the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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