I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
