we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize