now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
