She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
