My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
