I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
