please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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