Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
