my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I will pee on everything he values.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
