i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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