Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
