I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
