Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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