I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
