Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
