Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
