I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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