She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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