i jhust puked up my retainher.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
