and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
