I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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