i jhust puked up my retainher.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
