Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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