If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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