My nipple is on Facebook.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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