I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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