Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
