here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
