We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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