I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
