i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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