if i can run in heels then i can drive
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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