So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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