My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
