Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
