i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We had sex on a dog bed..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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