Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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