It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
