he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
