There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize