Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
