Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
