its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
