If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
