non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I had to cum in my sink.
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