I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
