So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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