I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i need some magic done to my vagina
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
