checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
