Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
