I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
