I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
