Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
