I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
