So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You had me at "let me see your balls"
True strength comes from lack of pants
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
