I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize