Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
