If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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